A Few Jokes

About Time, Too

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A Swedish girl, with poor English, wanting to know the time, went up to a man on a railway platform and asked “What-is-time?”. “That is a profound question”, the man replied.

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The Bishop of Tullamore was dying, and he asked Brian Cowen and Brian Lenihan to come to his bedside. They came, and he asked them to stand one on each side of his bed and take one of his hands each. They asked why, and he said “I want to die like Our Lord, between two lying bastards”.

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(Brian Cowen is Prime Minister and Brian Lenihan, his partner in crime, is Minister for Finance).

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Here is a joke I heard outside a pub. This is as I heard it, don’t shoot the messenger.

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Two itinerants died and appeared at the gates of Heaven. They rang the bell, and St. Peter came to the gate. “Can we come in?” they asked. “I’ll have to ask the boss man,” St. Peter said. He went away, and came up to God. “There are two knackers at the gate”, he said, “and they want to come in. What will I do? We can’t let them in, they would be robbing things and causing rows”. “Spin them a yarn and get rid of them,” God said. St. Peter went away, and then he came running back. “They’re gone, they’re gone” he shouted. “What’s the matter, isn’t that what you wanted?” God asked. “They’re gone, they’re gone” St. Peter said. “The gates. They’re gone”.

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I told that joke to an itinerant. I warned him he might not like it. He did not smile. When I told it to another man outside a pub (I smoke, send me a pack of XL), I said “They probably came in a four-wheel-drive”. “A pick-up truck”, he said.

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And now, an aphorism for those of you who didn’t like the above and won’t like many other things I may say:

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Political correctness is mechanical morality.

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And another:

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When is an Irishman not an Irishman? When he is too Irish for words.

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A mother took her son to an educational psychologist to have his intelligence tested. After some tests, the psychologist said to the woman “There’s nothing wrong with your child. He’s just stupid”.

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(The moral of this story is that there’s nothing wrong with being stupid).

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The below is what is known as a slow burner, that is, you don’t get it immediately, you ask yourself “Is that funny, what does it mean, is it a joke, is it meant to be a joke, am I thick if I don’t get it, does it mean anything, does anything mean anything” and so on and so on until you finally get it on your deathbed if not before or after.

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The Devil and a philosopher were walking together when they saw a man bend down, pick up something, and put it in his pocket. “What did that man pick up?” asked the Devil.

Philosopher: It is the truth. That’s going to make things very difficult for you.

Devil: I will help you to organise it.

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As and aid to understanding the above, remember this one by Spike Milligan:

I have no plan, so nothing can go wrong.

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Or consider this. A film actress, on being asked what were her plans, said “When I want to make God laugh, I tell him my plans”.

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Make sense of all that lot, if you can.

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David **** (What the **** do those asterisks mean?)